January 31, 2018

Donnie and Chuckie

I'm old school when it comes to standup comics, specifically, comedic duos. To me, Bob and Ray were the bench mark, and the Smothers Brothers are right there with them. A lot of people liked Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin but I didn't; Lewis used to annoy me for some reason. Burns and Allen were also funny. The other day in Washington DC, though, I witnessed the rebirth of the Golden Age of comedy, comedic partners we haven't heard the likes of since the Catskills were in vogue. Prepare for the Next Big Thing: Chuckie and Donnie (with apologies to the Smothers Brothers).

Chuckie: Did you ever notice there are a lot of morons in this town, Donnie?

Donnie: You mean they have more on? They're wearing more clothing? Or, that they have less on – that would be a good thing for a sexy broad, right?

Chuckie: #MeToo, Donnie.

Donnie: You have less clothes on?

Chuckie: What I meant was you can tell the people who are running this country by what they are wearing.

Donnie: I don't get it.

Chuckie: You wouldn't. It's analogy. When we say ordinary people have less on, we're saying they have less even though they work very hard and try to do the right thing.

Donnie: Like the big investment bankers and oil company executives?

Chuckie: No, Donnie. Just the opposite. The people with "more" tend to be greedy and ruthless.

Donnie: Oh yeah? Then how come I got elected president? Are you saying morons voted for me?

Chuckie: Well, er, if the shoe fits.

Donnie: I'll have to ask Melania. Do you know she always buys shoes a half size smaller than the size she really needs?

Chuckie: Kind of like your gloves, right? Donnie, I need you to help me with a little problem I'm having.

Donnie: Pelosi? Say the word and she'll go bye-bye. Now you have to do me a favor, Chuckie. I need you to help me with my spending problem.

Chuckie: I will not increase the National Debt one cent over the 20 trillion dollars we already have.

Donnie: Then I'm going to tell Nancy that you like her and want to take her to the dance Friday night.

Chuckie: Please don't do that. I'll tell you what. I will get you more money to spend if . . . if . . . you let my friends from Haiti come visit.

Donnie: No.

Chuckie: If you let the Dreamers stay in the country.

Donnie: I'll think about it, but only if you let me build a wall.

Chuckie: How about a Lego wall?

Donnie: Absolutely not. How about Lincoln Logs?

Chuckie: Done! You know, Donnie, we negotiate pretty good together. Maybe we should form a team.

Donnie: Hey Chuckie – do you play golf?

Chuckie: I'm a US Senator, I don't have time for golf. I'm trying to run the country.

Donnie: Well, that's why I shut it down!

Chuckie: I don't get it.

Donnie: So, I could play more G-U-L-F!

Chuckie: I think you mean "golf."

Donnie: That's not how we spelled it in school.

Chuckie: I think I went to better schools than you did.

Donnie: Mom always liked you better. Let's tell the good folks some of our new bits. Knock, knock.

Chuckie: Who's there?

Donnie: Nicaragua and NO, you can't come in! Knock, knock.

Chuckie: Who's there?

Donnie: Ivanka.

Chuckie: I van ka suck your blood!

Donnie: Good one! You try one.

Chuckie: Knock, knock.

Donnie: Who's there?

Chuckie: Impeachment.

Donnie: Impeachment Who? . . . Chuckie? You still there? What's the punch line? Chuckie?

Rick Murphy is a six-time winner of the New York Press Association Best Column award as well as the winner of first place awards from the National Newspaper Association and the Suburban Newspaper Association of America and a two-time Pulitzer Prize nominee.

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