January 10, 2018

Same Old New Year's


I'm not big on making New Year's resolutions.

There was a time, when I was about 14, I made a big deal of it. In those days I would make silly vows like "I'm gonna play centerfield for the Yankees" or "I'm going to go steady with Brigitte Bardot."

These weren't resolutions because they had no chance of coming true. They were wishes, like the kind you make when you blow the candles out on your birthday cake. I couldn't play baseball for the Yankees, for example, because I didn't have the necessary skill level. I wasn't good enough. I was however, good enough for Brigitte Bardot, and she made the biggest mistake of her life not hooking up with me.

The most common New Year's resolutions according to a Marist University poll are "be a better person" and "lose weight," which were tied. Are there any actual students who attend Marist University? If so, do they do anything besides make phone calls and ask people nosy questions?

Becoming a better person is a hard one to gauge. Does it mean make more money? Be nicer to others? Adopt a dog? I believe you could rob and pillage, curse and scream, and treat everyone with disdain every day of the year but if you got a date with Brigitte Bardot you would still be a better person than almost everybody else.

Here is, literally, how you can double your points: become a better person and lose weight.

USA Today recently did an article entitled "Are You a Good Person?" by Alia E. Dastiger. Without even reading it I ascertained some of the tips, like "Never read a newspaper you find on the floor by your hotel door" and "If someone we never heard of named 'Alia' wants to tell us how to be a better person she better have 12 apostles (or at least seven dwarves)." I do think she was a princess in one of the Star Wars movies, though.

I don't make formal resolutions on New Year's but that doesn't mean I don't make little, internal vows to myself that will result in my becoming a better person. For example, I vowed a few years ago not to do my Linda Blair Exorcist impersonation every time someone serves me pea soup, and I can assure you the people dining with me will be thankful I did. Suffice to say, my head really did rotate.

The most popular resolution over the last decade was to "eat better food." This, in a nutshell, will be why history will remember millennials as the most ridiculous faddists in the history of the world.

Only this generation could take steak, lobster, shrimp, hot fudge sundaes, and pigs in a blanket OUT of their menu and replace them with soy, kale, turmeric, apple cider vinegar, and edamame and then brag about it. They say they are "cleansing their temple." I then offer to eat their filet mignons because I am convinced it makes me a better person -- to hell with my temple, I have people clean that for me.

Lots of people vow to give up drinking or smoking. I can remember people giving up drinking at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve and being drunk by 4 AM. According to Time Magazine both are on the list of most-commonly BROKEN resolutions along with, among other things, "learn something new."

This is an interesting one. You have to wait the entire year to find out if you indeed broke the resolution because it's possible on the last day of the year you could learn something new. In fact, I volunteer, for a small fee, to send you an email at 11:59 on December 31 stating something like "Harare is the capital of Zimbabwe." Add bonus points if you listed "travel to new places" and subsequently take a trip there. And if you think Mugabe is a type of stew, by all means order it while you're there but don't try the Linda Blair thing in public. Zimbabwillingers get very upset by that (or are they called Hararians?).

Realbuzz lists "10 Unusual New Year's Resolutions" because "most resolutions are always cliché and rather tedious." Among them are "get your finances in order" and "do something nice for others." Oh, so "not throwing up pea soup like Linda Blair" is a tedious cliché and these things aren't?

Here is the bottom line for me. I'm going to go the entire year without wasting your time by writing pointless, lame columns simply because I'm hungover the day after New Year's and too lazy to come up with better material, and by doing so I will become a better person.

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