My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, along with every gay person in the world, is glued to a television set watching figure skating during the winter Olympics.
Figure skating consists of a couple skating on the ice and doing weird acrobatics where the guy throws the woman – who's wearing a skimpy outfit – up in the air. She spins around like a top and then lands perfectly on the ice and avoids falling on her pretty ass.
The announcer has an orgasm. "Did you see that? He did a 'Double Umloff,' threw her like a rag doll and she did her famous 'Horizontal Kuchicoo' move, but she came down and lost her frozen smile for a fifth of a second and that will cost them a point with judges."
"Did you see that?" screams Judy? "It's so wonderful! She's half Jewish, you know. Or is it the skier who's half Jewish?" Judy saves her loudest accolades for athletes who are Jewish – even someone who is only one-quarter Jewish will do.
"Oh, that's wonderful," I mutter, but when I think of this stupid event I think that somewhere up in Olympics heaven the Greeks who invented the real Olympics are throwing up.
This is all happening while I'm trying to adjust to life without football. This Sunday I was a pathetic sight, stretched out on my sofa staring at a frigging boring golf match on television with a tear in my eye. That's when I ask the question I ask every year: "Why don't they allow tackling in golf?"
I mean, why don't they allow a bunch of the other golfers to rush towards a guy when he is trying to make a putt. Here's how it would work: The other golfers are at the edge of the green at least 10 yards away and the referee blows his whistle and the golfers take off yelling and waving their clubs. Now, they can't touch the golf ball as it rolls, but if they can deck the guy before he gets his putt off, it's allowed. I'll bet that would do wonders for the ratings of golf on television.
I guess this kind of thinking is what got me to conclude that it's only February and I so miss Eli Manning. Frankly, it is a bit strange and unnatural how much I miss Eli Manning. I missed Eli so much this Sunday that I started to worry that it was like a Brokeback Mountain type of thing. For a second I pictured Eli and me alone in the frozen wasteland of the New Jersey Meadowlands. That scared me because it gave a whole new meaning to the term "fantasy football."
I then realized that what I missed the most was not Eli (thank God), but betting on Eli and the Giants and football. That's when I had the thought that maybe I could bet on the Winter Olympics. Would my bookie think I was a degenerate if I asked him if I could start betting on the men's speed skating event? Could I call him and find out what the morning line is in the Men's Slalom?
I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that the Winter Olympics are being held in South Korea. South Korea? Is the Olympic Committee nuts as well as being corrupt? South Korea is a few feet away from North Korea and that nutty little fat kid who keeps threatening to drop a nuclear bomb on our laps.
Now don't get me wrong – I owe a lot to Korea. I have three beautiful Korean-American grandchildren – Annabel, Charlie and Maggie – and a wonderful Korean son-in-law, John Kim. It's not their fault that the Olympics are being held in the middle of a South Korean flu season.
Fact is, this is my usual "I hate the Winter Olympics" column.
First of all, there are too many foreigners involved with the Winter Olympics. Guys with name like Hans, Fritz, and Olaf are beating guys with good old American names like Tom, Bill, and Joe. Why? Because these pushy foreigners have us competing against them in the sports they clearly do best. I'm talking about sports where you ski off the top of a mountain and there's a good chance that when you land, if you're lucky, all you're going to do is break your fool neck. Show me a sport that depends on guys jumping off of mountains on skis into snow and I'll show you a sport that belongs in a country filled with suicidal depressives like Norway. I don't care how much Donald Trump loves Norway.
It's disgusting that second-rate countries like Lower Slovenia, where the kids are born with skis on their feet (which, I might add, is the reason why every family in Lower Slovenia has just one child), are able to take gold medals away from the United States, the greatest country in the world.
I also object to the overt sexuality in the naming of Winter Olympics events. I have always thought that the "Men's Giant Slalom" is a title more suited for a porno movie than an Olympic event. As for the event they call the "Men's Half Pipe," I don't even want to guess what that competition is all about.
And can someone please tell me when sledding became "The Luge"? Also, why does going down a sheet of hard ice, head first, at 70 miles an hour qualify you for a gold medal instead of a psychiatric examination? When you come right down to it, the only event that a real American can really enjoy in the Winter Olympics is hockey. Heck, they don't even have a football event, leaving out the only true winter sport in the United States where every Sunday 22 red-blooded American guys spend a fun-filled few hours beating the crap out of each other.
Gosh, I'm going to really miss that violence every Sunday.
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